How to Nail an Interview (By James Panepinto)

1) Watch in horror as a nickel sized bright red pimple appears on the tip of your big Italian nose on Sunday. By Tuesday this blemish is glowing and you basically look like Rudolph. Try to hide the massive imperfection by

2) Not shaving your 13 year old facial hair growth. Not that I could grow a full beard if I wanted, but the decision to leave the fuzz on the cheeks and mustache may hide the legion-like pimple on my nose. In reality this makes me look like a zilch, emphasized by the fact that

3) I was at the dentist only a few hours earlier, and in a moment of brilliance, had requested extra Novocaine. No one wants to feel the drill gnawing away at their teeth, but did I realize that during my interview I would be left with a giant, swollen, and chapped upper lip that gave me a lisp and the propensity to drool and try and slurp to keep the drool from escaping my dumb stupid mouth? Add to this by

4) Sweating extensively during the interview. I was wearing my giant winter coat because temps were in the teens but I decided to run a few blocks from the subway to the office to stay warm. Once I get to the interview, I had run up three flights off stairs and was a little out of breath and warm as hell. I could feel beads of sweat rolling down my chest and back while discussing my work history with the two interviewers. If they didn't notice this it was likely because

5) I had decided to forgo the traditional formal or business casual attire that levelheaded people wear to interviews in favor of "who I really am," so I was in a pair of jeans that I'd been wearing everyday for 4 weeks and a wool sweater (that I hoped would hide the sweat but I am still not sure) Top this off by

6) Having no hot water for three days due to a problem with the water heater in my apartment. This means I didn't shower for two days and this particular morning I was forced to wash my head and hair in a pot of hot water I heated on the stove. Compounded with the fact that I had not had a hair cut in 2+ months this left for a very motley scene on my dome. Realize that these people probably assumed they were interviewing\n

7) A junkie.